“Sorry! Sorry! Sorry,” is what students/siblings receive over and over again, and then the perpetrator receives a time out, grounding, loses privileges or in the school, detention, work detail, time out or suspension. The perpetrator then becomes resentful toward the person and attempts to be more covert in hurting or provoking the victim the next time. Additionally, the above listed punishments isolates or further creates a divide between the students from the victim rather than repair the relationship.
FAMILY SCENARIO: I also remember sitting in my conference room with parents and two siblings and I had just explained the APC plan to them and the brother called his sister an “idiot.”
So I had him Apologize and then his Plan to “Make it Up to her” was to say four positive affirmations (not compliments) about her character and talents and he could only come up with two. His parents were shocked and said “Surely you can think of four character traits about your sister?” So I turned to the parents and said “Maybe you could help him out?” The parents came up with two positive character attributes between the two of them and then they were stumped. Part of the problem is that we focus so much on tell our kids what not to say by saying “You shouldn’t Say that” or “How many times have I told you that is wrong,” etc., that we do not take the time to teach them what to say. So I helped the brother out and then established if he called her another name this week he would still need to Apologize, then have a Plan to “Make it Up” to her by saying four character traits and then have a Consequence and would do one of her chores for her.
SCHOOL SCENARIO: A principal of a large private school called Jim West to ask for advice with a student who was having significant problems over the past few years and this time had pushed a student in the bathroom and hit his head on the wall. Jim recommended the APC Plan for the student. A-Apologize, and P-Plan to “make it up to him” cleaning out his desk or carry his backpack for the day. The student did not want to do either plan, but the principal wisely responded by saying why not think about it and we will deal with it first thing the next morning as she realizes when we are angry we need time to cool down. When we are angry we are “Temporarily Insane” and do not think logically and may say or do something we would not normally otherwise. The next morning the boy entered her office and, get this, he offered to both carry the other boy’s backpack & clean out his desk. Now these boys had been enemies for three years, so when it came time for his backpack to be carried do you think the victim would let the other boy out of his sight with his backpack[?] . . . NO WAY! So picture two boys walking down the hall together, one carrying 2 backpacks and the other snickering a little but starting to connect throughout the day. This happens in schools using the APC plan all over the state because if the person responsible does not “Make it Up” then they lose their privileges at school until they do comply. So back to the two boys walking together the rest of the day . . . I spoke with the father of one of the boys about a year ago and was told the boys have been spending the night and doing things together ever since and that was 1 1/2 years later. So what’s exciting about this illustration is that with this plan, instead of isolating the perpetrator with punishment, the kids are given a format to repair or rebuild the relationship by “making it up.” The boy in the school illustration was made aware by the principal that there would be an additional C-Consequence if this happens again and the consequence is always an “additional task or chore” for the victim to assure the student this would not happen again. However, it’s rare that it goes beyond the first step.
SIBLING RIVALRY is cut significantly as well with this process as siblings will Apologize and Plan to “Make it up” by doing a chore for a sibling instead of using time out or grounding siblings and experience a closer sibling relationship and learn positive socialization skills as well. For more information on this topic there is a Free Seminar.
DETENTION REDUCTION OR ELIMINATION: Some schools have incorporated this process in their discipline program and have seen a 50% drop in discipline problems and have eliminated their after school detention program.
BULLYING PROGRAM: This program is also used by schools to reduce Bullying by teaching students positive socialization, how to resolve conflict with the APC Plan and how to repair past hurts.
Learn the Positive Conflict Resolution Plan called APC, Increase Trust and Healing in the Family, and Improve Peer Relations. If you are unable to attend the seminar it’s available on DVD
or call us at 407-248-0030 to order the DVD or set up a phone consultation.Jim has clients come from all over Florida, Georgia, the Bahamas and England as 85% of his clients do not need medication. Jim uses FDA approved supplements and dietary changes along with therapeutic interventions, family education and support, social skills groups, leadership camps and more to assist families.
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