Solutions for Oppositional Defiant Kids

What Topics are Included?

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• History of Adolescence
• Parenting Style
• Parents on Different pages
  breeds Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD)
• Symptoms of Oppositional
  Defiance Disorder
• Oppositional No No’s and
  Triggers
• What untreated ODD can lead too
• Quick Tips to Handle the ODD
  Student
• Making Commands Effective
• Motivators – Rewards and
  Consequences
• Managing Students in Public
• Effective Communication
• Problem Solving
• Diffusing the Angry
  Oppositional Student
• 3 Step Positive Conflict
  Resolution Plan
• Repairing strained
  relationships between the student and parent

(3 – 40 MIN SESSIONS)

Say No Less, Yell Less & Have Your
Student do what they need to do!

Does this story sound familiar?

“If you say that one more time I am going to slap you” and as this mother
was telling me the story, I immediately knew the outcome as she recalls the
story over the weekend in a restaurant. Whenever a threat is made between a
parent and Oppositional student it’s like issuing a challenge and the one
with the most energy wins. The student wins in their own mind if they can
provoke the parent to jump into the ring with them. In a period of temporary
insanity, the student will hunker down and go for the jugular in an attempt
to win emotionally and the parent will pull rank by adding more restrictions
and consequences. An emotional win for the student is when they can get the
parent to a point of temporary insanity.

Parent: “Okay you have one week, do you want to go for two.”

Student: “Fine I don’t care if you ground me for a month.”

Parent: “You got it!”

Now here is a great example of temporary insanity; there is a student
grounded in the house with the parent for a month. So who really has the
greatest punishment . . . the parent! The situation gets worse when the
parents realize they were temporarily insane when they made this consequence
and may give in and reduce the sentence to 1 week or 2 weeks. The student
will also continue annoy and pester the parent and wear them down
emotionally during this time to get a reduced sentence. So when the parent
reduces the time, in the mind of the student they “win again” as they were
able to get the sentence reduced.

y the way, Temporary Insanity is typically reached when we become so angry
that emotion drives our conversation and thoughts and we can not think
logically. Typically when someone is Angry or Temporarily Insane it is a
great idea to allow each other to walk away and revisit the conflict when
both parties have had time to cool down and think about their part in the
conflict.

Other examples of Temporary Insanity or Oppositional No No’s are statements
that we may not be able to enforce:

Parent: “Don’t even think about it,” “You will do it,” “You will not do it,”
or “Put it away Now!”

According to Russell Barkely, M.D., a leading expert on Oppositional
Defiance Disorder (ODD), it’s not a genetic disorder. ODD is often a product
of parents that are on opposite sides of the page. For instance, a passive
parent and authoritarian parent that do not agree on discipline and the
student will put a strain on the marriage and household by playing the
parents against each other. Another parent scenario that encourages ODD
behavior is an absent or uninvolved parent and authoritarian parent. Some
parents will avoid the conflict and disengage again giving a message to the
student they have won emotionally by wearing a parent down. Then the student
thinks they are in control.

Treating ODD involves getting the parents in the same room and educating
them so the parents can be on the same page. ODD student need to feel like
they have choices and parents need to learn how to phrase questions that
give the illusion of choices, but both choices need to have the same
outcome. Parents will need to brace themselves as well as when they do get
on the same page and start changing how they respond to the student as a
united front, things will get better before they get worse. It’s important
during this time to weather through the storm because it will get better if
the students realize the parents are working together.

Also, it is very important to be calm and give the student choices but with
the same outcome for the parent. For example here’s a student right before
school that is watching TV before and he is not supposed to watch TV in the
morning and will lose points toward afternoon privileges if his mother
catches him watching TV. He also loves to eat breakfast:

Parent: “It’s time for breakfast so what do you need to do?”

Student: “I I hate Breakfast!” (he’s temporarily insane because he is caught
and knows it will effect his afternoon privileges)

Parent: in a calm voice validates the students feelings “Wow I can see your
frustrated” (notice he is temporarily insane and the mother learns not to
address the non-compliance of watching TV as he would just escalate more.
She will deal with this when he cools down and is able to process logic)

Student: “Yeah and I don’t want to eat breakfast”

Parent: calm voice empathizes to hear the students emotions “I can see why
you are frustrated because you love watching that program!”

Student: “I do like this program and I never get to watch it!”

Parent: calm voice avoids telling the student why he/she can not watch TV in
the morning as they can never get ready on time “Well we have two choices .
. . You can turn the TV off and have breakfast before we go to school or I
can turn the TV off for you and I can turn off the TV and you can go to
school without breakfast. I will give you 5 minutes to decide.”

Now before I tell you what happened in this scenario, I had worked with the
parent for a few weeks until she finally made the paradigm shift. For years,
she would have jumped into the insanity with the child and duked it out
verbally, but I was so proud of her because within 3 minutes he had turned
the TV off and was eating breakfast. He had choices both with the same
outcome “TV off” (which was the major stressor and barrier to getting him to
school on time) and when given choices in a calm voice and time to think he
can cool down emotionally. Once cool emotionally he can think logically and
make a good choice. On his way home from school that same day his mother
“used questions to lead him to the solution.”

Parent: “what is the rule about TV in the morning?”

Student: “I lose privilege points for watching TV in the morning.”

Parent: she affirmed him as if he had already complied “That’s right or Good
Answer” “So what are your choices this afternoon.”

Student: “I can do a chore for you to earn back the privilege points or just
lose some of the privilege time.”

Parent: parent will feel with the child rather than talk down to the child
“yes and I am sorry this happened. I will give you some time to decide what
you want to do and I hope you do earn the time back because I know how much
you like your privileges.”

Another No No of Oppositional Defiance believe
it or not is to say “No”. “No” is another trigger and the goal is to
avoid it as much as possible. Try to establish the rules and have the
student repeat the rules. Then whenever a rule is broken or they want
to push the limits, instead of telling the student they broke the rule you
ask them a question leading them to the solution.

For example,

Student: “Can I have more computer time”

Parent: Empathize “I know how much you love your computer time, but what
time is computer time over.”

Student: “8pm”

Parent: “and what time is it?”

Student: “8 o’clock”

Parent: Affirm them as if they have already complied, “that’s right
so what do you need to do”

Student: “Turn off the computer.”

Parent: Affirm them and add a positive comment about them as a
person “Right again and I am so proud of you for following the rules.”

Student: “I don’t want to”

Parent: “You know your choices . . . You can turn it off and keep
the privilege for tomorrow or I can turn it off and you will lose the
privilege tomorrow . . . I will give you 3 minutes to think about it.”

Article written by Family & Parenting Expert James L West, MA, LMHC, NCC of Total Life Counseling Center, Inc.