Grieving a Different Kind of Loss: Missed Milestones

I just got word from my undergraduate alma mater that they have made the difficult call not to hold the regular commencement ceremony scheduled for May 2020. There is little doubt by now that they will be one of a great many schools that will cancel in-person graduations, and instead try something like a virtual one. A former teammate of mine from that same university just had to postpone her wedding by several months. A friend in the entertainment industry lost out on what could have been a big break with multiple promising gigs struck off the calendar. 

There are still other big milestones being cancelled or postponed, or just not happening the way we imagined they would. Doctoral candidates are defending their dissertations via video chat, exciting new job opportunities are being put on hold, baby showers are no longer a possibility before the baby is born. Milestones are accomplishments and celebrations, markings of the progress of life and beginnings of new chapters. They bring people together and represent some of the most important points in individuals’ lives, times to look back on with fondness, pride, and nostalgia. In the midst of the coronavirus health crisis, these milestones are being robbed from so many.

The Harvard Business Review came out recently with an excellent article (click here) on going through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance, and a new one from David Kessler: meaning) during the pandemic. When talking about grieving a loss, some people think about lost loved ones. While this is an important cause of grief, there are also many other forms of loss, including lost opportunities, relationships, homes, and milestones. It is natural and even healthy to grieve these losses too. Keeping in mind that the stages of grief are not linear, but rather can be experienced in different orders, here is how grieving missed milestones might look:

Denial: The virus really isn’t that bad. All of this is an overreaction. There is no way my graduation will be cancelled. 

Anger: This is ridiculous. How can they infringe upon my freedom and make me postpone my wedding? I have lost so much money on nonrefundable deposits!

Bargaining: How long can this really go on? If everyone follows the social distancing guidelines for 14 days then everything will go back to normal. 

Sadness: This is worse than I thought. I feel so lost. I was supposed to be making my big break and now it has been taken away from me and I can’t do anything about it. 

Acceptance: Okay, this may be going on for a while. I am going to try and get used to this new normal, which I know is temporary. What can I do to take care of myself and my loved ones through this?

Meaning: There is good coming out of this. I have gotten more congratulatory messages for getting my degree than I ever imagined I would. I felt connected with my friends because we were able to hold my baby shower via video conference. I may have to hold off a little on getting my dream job, but I found a new temporary occupation that is allowing me to help people who are hit hardest by the crisis. 

We are all being touched by this pandemic, and you would be doing yourself a disservice by minimizing your losses and discounting your grief over them. The first step is to recognize your emotional reaction, the next is to let yourself feel it, without judgement and comparisons with other people. Last but not least, show yourself some love, try some creative ways to celebrate your milestones, and tap into your support system, even if just over video chat for now.  

Isabel Tanco

Isabel has had the life-changing opportunity to go on service trips to Mexico, Chile, and Peru to help those living in poverty. Through these experiences, she developed a passion for helping those in need. She realizes that forming relationship and meaningful connection with others is paramount to holistic health and wellbeing. Isabel works with a focus on helping clients to address concerns with social relationships and their sense of belonging in their world. She believes that every person is the expert on their own life, and that they have the power within them to achieve positive change, growth, and healing. Being multi-racial and multi-cultural herself, Isabel enjoys working with clients who identify with minority cultural groups or are experiencing acculturation issues. She has experience working with adolescents facing a range of challenges, from depression, anxiety, ADHD, developmental concerns and severe trauma. She has also seen college students and young adults, who navigate the stress of difficult transitions and school and work life.

See Full Bio