To Divorce, or not to Divorce? | University of Minnesota Report | Marriage Counselor on Reasons why couples are changing their minds

To Divorce, or not to Divorce? That is the Question | 3 reasons why couples are changing their minds about divorce

Marriage and Family therapist William Doherty from the University of Minnesota presented research studies proposing that reconciliation has become a priority for more couples instead of divorce.

In the past 3 years, divorces in the United States dropped 7%. USA Today reports, “The Census bureau counted 65,000 fewer divorces in 2010 than in 2008, a 7% drop. Observers say tough economic times mean many delay divorce; it’s expensive to maintain separate households and pay attorney costs. It also may be difficult to sell the house to divide assets.”

Why are couples considering divorce?

Couples may consider divorce for a number of reasons.

1. Growing apart
2. Lack of Communication
3. Finances
4. Lack of attention
5. Unresolved individual problems
6. Sexual issues
7. Infidelity
8. Low self-esteem
9. Lack on Conflict resolution skills
10. Insecurity/Jealousy
11. Substance Abuse problems
12. Preference differences
13. Household responsibilities
14. Conflict over how to raise the children
15. In-law issues
16. Childcare problems
17. Domestic Violence
18. Career/Work
19. Difference in education
20. Imbalance of power
21. Religion

According to USA Today, William Doherty, a psychologist, marriage and family therapist, and professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, says there are “hard reasons” and “soft reasons” couples split up.

“Is this an intolerable situation? Chronic affairs, chemical dependency, gambling — those are the kinds of hard reasons,” he says. “The person is not willing to change. They have a drinking problem and won’t get it fixed. They’re gambling the family money away and won’t get help. If somebody won’t work with you on that, then you have to go. Nobody should have to live this way.”

“Soft reasons,” Doherty says, include “general unhappiness and dissatisfaction, such as growing apart and not communicating.”

If your reasons are in this category, he says, “you probably have a lot to gain from slowing down and seeing if you can get those things fixed. The majority of people get divorced for the soft reasons that they’ll turn into hard reasons.”

Questions couples should ask when repairing a marriage

1. What are my needs?
2. What are my partner’s needs?
3. What are my expectations?
4. What are my partner’s expectations?
5. Can I fulfill those needs?
6. Can my partner fulfill my needs?

What are your needs?

We all have very specific needs. These needs are unique to each individual. It is important to learn what your partner’s needs are. Needs may appear in a variety of ways:

1. Emotional
2. Sexual
3. Physical
4. Intellectual
5. Comfort
6. Love
7. Connection
8. Growth
9. Significance
10. Acceptance
11. Security
12. Esteem

Divorce is not always the final option. If you or someone you know is interested in saving a marriage, contact a therapist to assist you on your journey toward healing.

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