Five Reasons To Get Pre-Marital Counseling
"Save Your Marriage Before It Starts"

Aww, the freshness of spring. The newness of flowers. In Thumper’s words from the movie, Bambi, love has everyone twitter-pated. It’s that time of year when the ladies have bought their wedding gowns, the bakeries are setting up their best wedding cakes in the showcases. Everyone is getting ready for their most expensive event of the year: the summer wedding. But amidst all the excitement, do not forget to continue learning about your fiancé’s goals, dreams, and character.

Though the divorce rate has been declining, there are still only 63% of marriages staying together “til death do you part”. It is extremely important to invest time, money, and energy into pre-marital counseling. We, at Total Life Counseling, take your plans of getting married seriously. At Total Life Counseling, we want to see you continue to grow together and have the tools to learn to love each other all over again for the rest of your lives. When looking for a pre-marital course or counselor, make sure he/she is willing to look at every aspect of a marriage and relationship. The following topics are helpful guidelines:

Communication. It is often said that men are clams, and women are like crow bars trying to pry information from their spouse or partner. Or men come from Mars, women are from Venus. Learning how each other communicates is a key to a successful marriage. Learning the tools of how to listen, how to understand different perceptions, knowing how to speak for yourself, and how to let your partner know you understand what they are saying are important keys to learn before entering into a marriage.

Attitudes & Expectations. Most couples have discussed their major goals in life, their dreams and aspirations. But during pre-marital counseling, you will want to discuss each other’s attitudes and expectations concerning work, play, and daily household chores. How do you handle the individual steps to getting to the end result?

Conflict Resolution. All marriages have problems and conflicts. No two people think or feel exactly the same way. Learn how to handle conflicts, be pro-active in handling your anger, and learn techniques that have been successful in fighting fair.
Religious Beliefs. Whether or not you see yourself as religious, it is important to work though your beliefs as individuals and as a couple. How do you see God? Which church will you attend? Will you practice the same beliefs as your extended families?

Finances. It is widely known that the #1 reason for divorce is money issues. Make sure that finances and managing money is part of your pre-marital counseling. Work out a budget and have clear expectations before you enter into marriage. Be aware of any previous debts that each other have accrued.

Sexuality. Be willing and ready to express yourself openly and honestly in counseling. Sexual intimacy is more than just intercourse. Each couple should have the freedom to share, to enjoy, to love, and to learn about their sexual needs and desires prior to beginning their marriage relationship. Any prior abuse or traumas need to be discussed in counseling within a safe environment.

Family Planning & Children. Though children may not be in your near future, it is necessary to discuss your plans and thoughts about starting a family. Communicating your thoughts and attitudes towards children now, before marriage, spares you many problems, misunderstandings, and heartaches after marriage.

Article written by Sandi Burchfield and she is available for Seminars or middle/high school Retreats on this topic and other topics.

Janie Lacy, M.S. & in Clermont Sandi Burchfield, M.S. are available at Total Life Counseling in Orlando, Winter Park & Clermont, Florida.

5 Steps to Marital Satisfaction?

Getting off on the right foot!

1. Live apart from each other before you marry-A British government study found that couples who lived together before marriage are at least 40 percent more likely to divorce within 15 years of their weddings, and 60 percent more likely to divorce or separate at some point. Similar studies in Canada, Sweden & the U.S. also had similar findings.
2. No Experience in Bed before Marriage-Several Studies (including the Redbook survey) show that women who engage in early sexual activity and those who have had multiple partners are less apt to express satisfaction with their sex lives than women who entered marriage with little or no sexual baggage. According to the CDC, 80% of women report they regret their first pre-marital sexual encounter and a high percentage report 20 years later when having sex they visualize the first person they had sex with and note it's "anti-climactic."
3. Marital Commitment-Sex therapist Mary Ann Mayo says this connection is particularly strong for women, since "their sexual responsiveness is greatly affected by the relational context in which lovemaking takes place." Mayo says that a mutual commitment to lifelong marriage not only makes it easier for women to "let themselves go" sexually, but it alsotends to encourage constructive "pillow talk" about sex between spouses.
4. Attend Church Together-A University of Chicago study: "Sex in America: The Definitive Survey," found that monogamous conservative Christians reported the most physical satisfaction from sex. Several other studies show that married couples who attend church at least once per week are the most sexually contented segment of society. While sexual fulfillment certainly contributes to marital satisfaction, Mayo says that sexual enjoyment is more commonly a byproduct of a stable, happy union rather than the primary cause of it. Often those who go to church have more access to marriage seminars and couples weekends are a more likely to receive pre-marital counseling. A research review by psychologist Timothy Kelly found that the frequency of church attendance positively affected sexual satisfaction above and beyond one's commitment to traditional sexual morality. Similarly, the Janus Report on Sexual Behavior found the nonreligious "have a tendency to focus on the more technical or physical performance aspects of sex, the religious pay more attention to the mystical and symbolic dimensions of one's sexuality."
5. Lack of Sexual Anxiety-A UCLA study found that sexual satisfaction is positively affected by "the absence of sexual anxiety." Monogamous spouses do not have the issues of guilt from violating sexual values, and they do not have the fears of STD's or AIDS.

Article written by James L West, MA, LMHC, NCC and he is available for Seminars or middle/high school Retreats on this topic and other topics.

Janie Lacy, M.S. & in Clermont Sandi Burchfield, M.S. are available at Total Life Counseling in Orlando, Winter Park & Clermont, Florida.

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