Who Cares What They Think: 4 Strategies to Break Free of the Opinions and Expectations of Others

Energy.  

It’s currently a popular belief that you get back what you send out into the world.  

The implication is that we have a way of interacting with others that ultimately affects the types of challenges, opportunities, relationships, and experiences we encounter in life.  Law of attraction so to speak.

But what happens when you feel like you are doing all the right things, and yet you find yourself on the short end time and again? People expect you to come through for them, but they are always busy when you need them. You’re loyal and generous as a friend and a lover, but find yourself feeling used and betrayed by people you trusted. You feel like you radiate confidence, competence, and camaraderie, but none of that is coming back to you. What is the problem?

Whether you buy into the idea or not, how you show up for your life matters.  And how you show up is directly related to how you see yourself. By “see” I mean how you think about, speak to, and evaluate yourself—your self-concept.  Far too often we spend time worrying about what others will think about how we look, how we talk, or what we do. Our minds are filled with anxiety as we strive to always say and do the right thing. The problem here is not really what other people think.

The problem is what YOU think about yourself, which then causes you the worry about what other people may think about you. And if you are constantly worrying about them, how can you show up authentically, empowered by the full depth of who you are?  

The key to reclaiming your freedom from the opinions and expectations of others is building a strong self-concept.  Self-concept is composed of self-image: the way you see yourself, self-esteem: how you feel about (value) yourself, and self-efficacy: confidence in your abilities. 

Regardless of how educated you are or how talented you may be, if you inherently see yourself as lacking, judge yourself for being imperfect, or speak negatively to yourself, it will come out in how you engage with others. So if you feel like the energy you put out into the world isn’t what you are getting back, here are four skills you can build to change that!

1. Develop self-awareness. Pay attention to the thoughts and motives driving your actions. If you tend to say yes when you really want to say no, because you don’t want to let someone down, then ask yourself why your feelings are based upon their feelings. Or why do their feelings matter more than your own? Are you feeling guilt? Is it real guilt (because you’ve actually done something wrong) or false guilt (you’ve done nothing wrong, but a false belief is at work here)?
   

Self-awareness positions you to be intentional about your actions instead of falling into doing what will please others at your own expense.

1. Clean up your self-talk. How you speak to yourself matters.  Be on the lookout for your inner critic—the voice that constantly judges you. It may sound like this: ”you were so silly to believe him,” or “why did you sign up for the gym, you still won’t work out.” 

Maybe your self-talk is a little more subtle.  Let’s say you’re about to walk on stage and you say to yourself, “Okay girl, you got this!”  This reflects an entirely different belief system than if you say, “okay girl, don’t mess this up.”  The latter implies that you typically make mistakes, and you believe you will mess up. The energy is entirely different. 

The goal of positive self-talk is to uproot false beliefs, plant a new belief and use affirmation to strengthen it.

1. Practice self-compassion.  Far too many people practice self-judgment unawares. If you set high expectations for yourself, then beat yourself up when you fall short, then you have experienced self-judgment.  This never helps you show up as your best self because it’s constantly beating you down.  The familiar adage, “Give yourself some grace” is rooted in practicing self-compassion. Try it!
2. Learn to validate yourself.  Changing your self-talk and practicing self-compassion will help you cultivate self-love and acceptance, thus allowing you to validate your own feelings and worth. You have been divinely designed to think, experience feeling, and make choices in a way that is uniquely your own.  Pay attention to ways you seek validation from others. 

When your self-concept is intact and healthy, you are empowered to show up for your life free of the thoughts, opinions, and expectations of others.  What you think really is what matters most!