Orlando Counselor on How Trauma Affects Our Relationships

What is Trauma?

Trauma refers to our emotional response to distressing life experiences. Trauma comes in many different forms and ranges in how severely it affects someone. Given that trauma is such a universal experience, few people will live without having it be a part of their lives. So how does it affect our relationships? Is it possible to have suffered a traumatic experience and evade the negative effects it might have on how we connect with others? These are important questions in a world where we take our mental health seriously and place high importance on the state of our relationships. Here are some patterns to look out for if you or someone you love has had a traumatic experience that is now affecting your/their relationships. 

Persistent and Disproportionate Defensiveness

Any trained martial artist or team sport athlete will tell you that having a strong defense is a huge part of being skillful in confrontation, defensiveness is a logical response to confronting a perceived threat. Whether you’re being threatened by an opposing football team or feeling threatened in the midst of a traumatic experience, having a strong defense is important, and many people survive traumatic experiences because they developed some way of defending themselves from emotional or physical harm. That being said, when we use an old defensive technique in relationships that don’t require it a disconnecting rift can appear between two people who would otherwise have a healthy relationship. Oftentimes, someone who experienced emotional trauma will see a new relationship partner as a threat, even if they don’t possess any threatening traits. This may lead to a trauma victim putting their guard up and being defensive in a situation that does not call for it. This disproportionate defensiveness can cause a pattern of argument and disconnection between two people. However, being able to recognize that the defensiveness comes from a previous traumatic experience makes it easier for us to realize that our focus doesn’t need to be on whatever the topic of conflict was, but on healing from trauma.

Maintaining High Sensitivity

We know that trauma victims can demonstrate high levels of defensiveness, its important to keep in mind that they may also exhibit over-sensitivity to comments or actions in relationships if they trigger memories of a traumatic experience. This might look like a victim getting their feelings hurt by their partner for reminding them of a past traumatic event, even when the victim’s relationship partner had no ill intention. Little things may be seen as hurtful jabs or intentional disrespect or devaluation. When sensitivity is high in this way, both partners are in a state of emotional exertion, trying to understand how to not feel attacked or to not feel like an attacker. Without some level of self-awareness and adjustment partners can become emotionally exhausted and drift away from positive feelings about their relationship partner.

Resistance to Intimacy or Vulnerability

Many people experience traumatic events when they are in a state of vulnerability. Hurt by people who trust them, these victims of trauma may decide that the strongest option for them to avoid the emotional pain they experienced is to avoid vulnerability altogether. This might look like evading intimate moments in conversation or opportunities for building rapport. Without a tolerance for vulnerability, creating mutual trust is very difficult in a relationship, and relationships lacking trust often suffer from low levels of connection and relationship satisfaction. When we have relationships that aren’t supported by trust and intimacy, they can sometimes become transactional or shallow. Shallow relationships aren’t necessarily bad for us, however, and some environments like work or school don’t allow for deep relationships. When we don’t have any relationships in our lives that transcend shallowness we are really missing out on the benefits of social support, of which there is a vast and well-documented amount. 

What Should We Do About It?

Getting in touch with how our traumas affect our relationship behavior can protect our relationships from disconnection caused by our trauma responses. When we realize how our past is affecting our behavior in relationships we can often disentangle ourselves from the mess of trauma responses that we might easily be stuck in. Not blaming ourselves for how we’re reacting but acknowledging that it isn’t healthy and can create an environment for healing and trust in relationship partners. When we feel like we’re being defensive, sensitive, or distant because of a previous traumatic experience, being honest with the person we’re interacting with can help them understand that this behavior isn’t their fault and take the pressure off of the argument or confrontation and place it on the problem that the trauma has caused. Our relationships are so important and making sure that we attend to their health can sometimes mean confronting our past traumas to make sure we’re basing our thoughts and behavior on the here and now and not on an imagined situation based on the past.